Mmmm there’s nothing like one small square of dark chocolate and nothing more

One of the most cliched bits of health and dieting advice is that dark chocolate is good for you. If someone says “I eat a square of dark chocolate when I’m craving something sweet” all I hear is “I look at photos of cakes and cry.”

I was looking at the Bon Appetit 2012 Food Lover’s Cleanse and I noticed they incorporated dark chocolate. I thought it was interesting to see chocolate in a cleanse and decided, welp, that’s an excuse for me to buy some nice chocolate.

Side note: I thought it might be fun to attempt this “healthy cooking challenge” until I realized 1. the grocery list for that is stupid (They ask you to buy 6 different kinds of vinegar! 6 kinds of vinegar!) and 2. So much time consuming cooking! I spend about 40 hours per week just washing dishes as it is.

So I bought some chocolate on the way to the gym (high five!). First I stopped at CVS and their selection of nice chocolate is the worst! Duane Reade has a way better selection, for the record. And then several middle-aged women started hovering around the chocolate section, getting all up in my biz. Maybe they’re doing the Bon Appetit cleanse! So I left CVS, as I often do, in a huff. But don’t worry, I found what I was looking for elsewhere.

The thing about this whole “it’s OK to eat dark chocolate” flimflam is the ambiguous nature of how much you should eat. The nutrition information says “12 pieces” is a serving. What the hell? But what I’m trying to say is that chocolate breaks off so erratically, if you try to break off a small piece and you instead break off a large, jagged piece, then you have to eat that.

I’m on a healthy eating kick. You will never, ever hear me say “I’m on a diet.” That’s like saying “I have a digital pet from 1998 that I still maintain.” (It is.) Besides, I’m not really following any set guidelines aside from trying to eat healthful food and avoiding not-healthful food.* I feel sleepy weirdly often and I’m not sure if it’s because I wasn’t getting enough fruits and vegetables or if my apartment has a CO leak. We may never know!

*By the way, anyone who says “I’m trying to eat healthy” deserves to be slapped with a fish. So have your fish ready the next time you see me. It’s only fair.