January 2011
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MTA, adding "please be patient" is taking it a...
“We are being held momentarily due to train traffic ahead/workers on the track; We will be moving shortly” is all the info we need. As soon as you tack “Please be patient” onto the end of that, I’m thinking, “Don’t tell me how to be! You be patient!”
labels
me: Whoa you have like a floater.
friend: It's called an ice cube.
“I will prob never scrabble you again. Lesson learned.”
– Natalie
See everyone, don’t try to have fun on the Internet with me.
“That is a lot of cheating. More than I knew.”
– Natalie
She said it was OK if I cheated at online Scrabble, but I cheat like 5 different ways, ways you don’t even know about.
“I bet that milkshake would bring all the hipster boys to the yard”
– Natalie
oh crap she’s talking about my new glasses
PSA
I have a pair of Hunter boots and they are just awful. (I know they are barfy trendy right now—I got them a long time ago, well aware they were reaching barfy trend status, and I did it anyway, so I am an idiot.) I HATE them. Every time I put them on they say, “&^%$ you, Joanna.” And I’m like, “Right back at ya, crappy boots.”
This is the last violent, threatening post of the...
So I think I found a new roommate, fingers crossed. I’ll have to delete this if she moves in. People randomly moving in and out of my apartment has been stressful. This new person gives me an overly-cutesy-nice-affected/secret-serial-killer vibe and somehow I am OK with that.
Anyway, this new girl uses “likes to make French crepes” as a way to describe herself. Not impressed. I...
“I was looking for female roommates so I came to Queens. We can keep all the men...”
– Get it? Queens is for queens. Can I get that on a t-shirt?
This comes from someone who may end up being my new roommate…
what are the lemon ones called then?
nicepants:
thetrifler:
There is no such thing as a Lemon Delight, Michelle, and you know it.
have you even ever had a girl scout cookie in real life, Jorbles?
They are called Lemon Cremes. Or to get weird with it, Lemon Chalet Cremes. Everyone calls me out on my own Tumblr without even so much as consulting Wikipedia!!!!!! I am a professional fact checker! I am never wrong! GIVE ME SOME...
whiners
So I have been showing my apartment lately looking for a roommate and I am surprised at the number of people who complain about how far it is from the subway. Um, it’s like 8 blocks (short blocks, no avenues). And these are all young, healthy people. I am relatively out of shape, like running one mile would be pretty hard for me, and I can walk 8 blocks no problem. Also, did you not Google...
There is no such thing as a Lemon Delight, Michelle, and you know it.
Sharpie liquid pencils are a major letdown.
Also, thank you to everyone rubbing their Girl Scout cookie acquisitions in my face. If I ever have a mental breakdown and go on a killing spree, know that it started with my frustration at not eating Peanut Butter Patties.*
*I feel sorry for you if you know them as “Tagalongs.” Because that is a really stupid name. There are two suppliers...
leilacohanmiccio:
In a reply to my last post about “Shake Ya Tailfeather”, Anthony pointed out that “is that your ass or your momma have reindeer?” remains a baffling lyric. But here’s the thing: it’s only one of the bizarre parts of that song. To wit:
Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer?
I like the cocky bowlegged ones
They be like “he’s the man” when I’m really a Thundercat
I’m...
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Here is a WSJ article about Girl Scout cookies →
I haven’t had a Girl Scout cookie in at least 5 years. Is it even ordering time right now? COME FIND ME LITTLE GIRLS. I will buy a ridiculous number of your cookies! It is really hard for a young urban person to get these cookies. I don’t even like Thin Mints and I will buy a box of Thin Mints because of their rep!!!! I know the whole parents bringing the order form to the office thing...
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Just got an email from Heinz customer service
I know you guys were very concerned the minute you heard I was having problems with my frozen hash browns. Turns out somewhere along the line someone let them unthaw. I hope I got my local CVS in trouble.
Dear Joanna, Thank you for your recent email about your experience with Ore-Ida Country Style Hash Browns. We’re concerned about your report and appreciate the opportunity to respond....
It's time for me to tell you about the crazy lady...
I thought she was the cleaning lady. She had a floral bandana tied around her hair, street clothes, and an air of purpose I don’t usually see anyone exhibit at the gym. She complained that my boots had tracked in snow and “messed up the floor.” I felt bad, but I shouldn’t have because she is not the cleaning lady! She is just some wacko. As soon as I walked into the locker...
“F—- you, Kings of Leon. They’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big...”
– Glee creator Ryan Murphy commenting on Kings of Leon not giving Glee approval to use their songs via HuffPo
Hey Ryan, maybe they hate Glee like half of the musicians I know. Or maybe they’ve seen what you’ve done with other people’s songs. Just a thought.
(via tweetyyum)
AMEN, SISTER. I can no...
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What is going on with my frozen hashbrowns?
I opened the recently-purchased bag and they smelled like ammonia. So I cooked some anyway! And they still smell like ammonia so I’m not going to eat them. They are Ore-Ida brand. They haven’t been recalled. I know the grocery store would probably give me a refund, but I bought them from CVS and that’s a different animal. Plus I threw away the receipt. Plus they were like $3 so I...
1 tag
thanks, everyone
I need a roommate
I just got a new roommate and she just decided to move out because she can’t deal with how cold it is in New York. She is from South Africa. She is moving back to South Africa.
So if you or anyone you know is interested in a room in NYC, specifically beautiful Astoria, please email me at jborns at Gmail.
Your room would have 2 closets
dishwasher
the apt is roomy
Close to the park,...
“California girls is unforgettable; Indiana girls is Indiana Jones.”
– The drunk Italian friend I met on the train
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I am not cool enough for the LES
There was a time when a bar seeming “cool” would appeal to me but now any ounce of pretentiousness makes me want to barf. I would rather go to a Cracker Barrel than a faux speakeasy. Bleh. The last time I willfully went to a club I was actually ON the list and a magazine editor had to lie and say I was Cuba Gooding Jr.’s girlfriend to get me inside. I wish that was a joke....
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Get your snow boots snowy or go home
Prissy New Yorkers who are clearly wearing snow boots need to stop hogging the narrow shoveled paths, forcing people wearing non-snow boots to walk in the snow. I’ve observed it; I’ve experienced it. If you’re wearing rubber boots and I’m wearing something stupid like tennis shoes or cowboy boots, don’t make me walk in slush, ya jerks. Take two steps in the snow with...
Colbert's Incredible Anti-Palin Rant | Splitsider →
“Your girlfriend Leighton Meester is presenting now”
– Natalie
on the Golden Globes
I am dating Leighton Meester btw
“Ain’t bein’ comfortable with something weird the best?”
– Moe
omg my roommate is now playing Huey Lewis & The News. Can’t leave.