January 2010
“Leave me alone! You’re giving me a nervy break-d!”
– Seth Meyers in Spring Breakdown
“Why don’t you just leave politics to the gals with the loaded guns.”
– Jane Lynch in Spring Breakdown
“Today’s geeks always turn out to be tomorrow’s winners.”
– Amy Poehler in Spring Breakdown
please fire me dot com →
Please fire me. I make spreadsheets of my favorite snack foods weekly and distribute them to the office - no one even opens them because I title them “EGOFinal-Q1-2010”. I’ve been doing this for about a month and received a compliment from my boss the other day about my “E-G-O Reports”.
via lauraturnergarrison
“On the night, triple Olympic gold medallist Usain Bolt suffered a rare defeat,...”
– The Jamaica Gleaner: apparently not a PC newspaper.
dream golf sucks
Last night I dreamt that I got off work early and decided to play 9 holes of golf. (not actually possible in NYC) I went into the pro shop to get a tee time. The guy at the counter took one look at me and said, “You’re in high school? No.” I started to explain that I wasn’t in high school and he countered with, “There are no girls allowed on this course.” I got in a big argument and shouted things...
“There’s a tragic dearth of funny women out there and while I’m...”
– FALSE.
a magazine editor said this to me before I moved to NYC. At the time I took it as a compliment, but now I see it as tragic. There are LOTS of funny women out there. LOTS.
“I don’t really like thin mints very much and I never have. I don’t...”
– Me, just now. It feels good to finally say it. Add thin mints to my famous list.
Let's All Jersey Shore Ourselves! →
The music is amazing.
effervescence:
The accompanying music will give you a brain aneurysm.
“Shouldn’t there be safeguards against the majority voting on the rights of...”
– Jane Lynch
Too rah loo rah too rah loo rah ay.
As I read this headline I tried to put it to Lady Gaga’s Rah rah ah ah ah roma ro ma ma ga ga ooh la la. And it didn’t work, and I got confused.
virtualephemera:
I’m humming the chorus to “Come on, Eileen” in my head to avoid freaking out about the fact that they’re interviewing my possible replacement today. Which means this whole quitting my job in the middle of the worst...
Literal knock-knock jokes, #1.
healywu:
yonilotan:
bestrooftalkever:
savingpaper:
Knock, knock. Who’s there? The DEA. The DEA who? We have a warrant to search the premises.
I have no problem with this idea.
Knock Knock
Who’s there
Help! Oh My God, Theres been an accident!
Help! Oh My God, Theres been an accident! who?
Are you fucking serious, call the cops, my husband, Hes dying!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
...
JoJo: i hope someone farts at my wedding, if i have a wedding...
ok ur gone
but im still talking to u
bubye
“Yesterday, I myself criticized Hendricks’ Christian Siriano-designed...”
– I love a good Financial Times joke! For the record I liked the dress on her. Sure ruffles are dumb but she made it work.
Elyse: "when somethings gone wrong, and its the smell of your thong"
me: haha what?
Elyse: haha, they just said it on snl
a company that makes douches is sponsoring the darts tournament
me: wow
Elyse: "when your man's in a coma from your panty aroma"
me: they need more female writers
Palin says her favorite founding father is ‘all of... →
kevindwire:
tumblndice:
banalitycheck:
suitep:
Yesterday Fox News’ Glenn Beck interviewed newly minted Fox “analyst” Sarah Palin for his entire show. During the interview, Beck asked Palin who her favorite Founding Father is. “You know, well, all of them because they came collectively together with…so much diversity in terms of belief but collectively they came together to form this...
A book I haven’t read and a movie I probably won’t...
From Roger Ebert’s review: “The Lovely Bones is a deplorable film with this message: If you’re a 14-year-old girl who has been brutally raped and murdered by a serial killer, you have a lot to look forward to.”
My first reaction was: Oh snap. But then I thought, well, based on the messages of my Christian upbringing, yes. That’s the whole idea: dying is awesome because heaven is da bomb....
Thoughts
kevindwire:
If only the number of people who are rushing to support Conan on the Web would have watched his show, we probably could have avoided this.
“Every time I go to Google Reader I always think of “The Reader”...”
– Natalie
the next five years are gonna be rough
I just got a chain email that says I’m “extremely weird but in a good way,” because I am a Pisces. It also labels me “partner for life” - ew. Creepy. Who do I look like? Neytiri? Oh snap Avatar reference.
Also it says I’ll have 5 years of bad luck for not forwarding it. What up 1997?
“It fizzes. It quenches. And it could also contain fecal bacteria.”
– I love CNN
NYT: The 11 Best Foods You Aren't Eating →
(via savingpaper)
HEY NYT: I ate four of those foods just yesterday AND today. Jerks.
me: heyoooo
Elyse: i need to start saying that
me: i need to STOP saying that
