December 2009
shaming teenage me some more
I often think about how 13-year-old me (only on a superficial level) was much cooler than current me. Gross, I fell into the trap of this where-I-was-10-years ago thing, but it’s topical because I can’t decide what shoes to wear tonight! Everyone says I should wear heels, but I just can’t. 13-year-old me wore 4-inch heels to school every day. Granted, they were chunky and I had a...
new year's resolutions.
eat more steaks
stay out of prison*
get inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame
be kinder to wild animals
and that one cliche resolution I seem to make every year—
listen to more Fleetwood Mac
*unless I somehow become homeless
Avatar was beautiful but silly.
virtualephemera:
Oh, science fiction.
PLUS James Cameron should hire a screenwriter, because he’s a terrible dialogue writer.
The dialogue made me laugh so much! Especially that of the curmudgeony military bad guy. Gold.
“My grandfather has always loved his computer. When I was in college in the late...”
– Haven’t read Modern Love in a while!
I just realized this is insane
For years I’ve kept a couple pairs of jeans that I no longer like or ever wear. Whenever I consider getting rid of them I think, “No, you should keep them just in case you need to play in the mud.”
What am I thinking? In what future scenario will I ever need to play in the mud?
“I want to find my prince. I’d have 27 guys: guidos and juice heads....”
– Snookie (on ‘Snookin’ for Love’)
please let this happen.
“I was only reading the NY Post because I was googling for info about the...”
all people should be required to learn cookie...
Cookie skills are life skills and it pains me to see people floundering through life without them. In junior high school I was required to take a class on Excel and Microsoft word. Academically necessary? No. But helpful in life? Yes. But from what I observe, schools need to require a cookie class, a class to pound into our children the basic knowledge of how to create and preserve the integrity...
"30 Rock"
Jack: Lemon, that woman you met this morning in my office? We are not colleagues. We are lovers.
Liz: Ehhh... that word bums me out if it’s not between “meat” and “pizza.”
“The single greatest way to get your waiter to hate you? Ask for hot tea. For...”
– Christopher Fehlinger, maître d’ at a popular New York City restaurant
This is 100% true.
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything to your food, but I have seen servers...”
– —Charity Ohlund (from “20 Secrets You Waiter Won’t Tell You”)
This is brilliant. I wish I had thought of this when I was a server. Though, anyone jerky enough for me to want to do this to would likely berate me and question my competence at charging a credit card.
“If you turn on the keypad volume on your cell phone and type 989797899897787987,...”
– (via fuckyeahthebeatles) (via ilanaglazer) (via nicolemarietherese)
I tried it. and yes.
“Extra pat-downs before boarding. No getting up for the last hour of the flight....”
– (via awkwardcity)
I don’t understand how they plan to enforce this. When a flight attendant tells me to turn off my ipod I say, “OK.” and then I don’t do it. And they walk away. They can’t watch everyone at once and they can’t physically make you sit down or not...
“I had a dream there were these two floating, fighting cakes. … They were...”
– Mom
best dream possible.
“Susan Sarandom is good, but it’s no Suri Cruise”
– good news. Not only do I have a new celebrity catch phrase, but it’s implied here that Suri Cruise (aka sorry) has merit.
usage notes:
Omg, that’s so totally Susan Sarandom.
The numbers will be chosen at Susan Sarandom out of this hat.
“Who was that weird girl you used to hang out with in third grade? She had a...”
– Mom
(This person does not exist)
Me: [in song] I'm gonna put these cats in the cookies.
Mom: Please don't do that.
...
Me: [in song] Mr. Stripes wants to be in a cookie.
Mom: [no response}
“See this little thing here? This is the internet.”
– Mom
I've been issued a warning by the Fashion Police
for seriously considering purchasing the following items recently:
jungle print one piece shorts jumper
sequin covered beret
sequin covered pencil skirt
oversized puke yellow cableknit cardigan
knee-high Chuck Taylors
knit hat with squirrel on it
hoodie with photo of Native Americans and caption “Homeland Security since 1492”
“Schoolhouse Rock really undersold the insanity in how a bill becomes a law.”
– Ezra Klein (via savingpaper)
“Jay-Z’s on Oprah… I’m not really interested.”
– Mom
Published by my former employer, AuthorHouse →
virtualephemera:
Sadly, all of their books are like this. I worked in promotions. That job was hard.
My book club is reading this!
alternate titles for Avatar
Space Wolves
Dances with Space Wolves
My Hair Hooks Up to Stuff
“You look so young. You’re going backwards like that Benjamin Button. I...”
– Mom
dogs be wanting pizza
me: chloe somehow got out to see the pizza guy
Elyse: hahaha, she's like, 'where's mine?!'
me: you have the same sense of humor as the pizza guy
Things you'll get to see if you come to UCBT this...
my 301 sketch class show
me acting in some sketches
a sketch I wrote with rats in it!
a doll house I made myself out of cardboard
The spirit of Christmas
Elyse: i just had a hershey's pie
me: i used to love those
but there's something about them that i stopped liking
there's like a crunchy salty aspect and then a sickening sweet thing that goes on and makes me unhappy
Elyse: you just described it perfectly
but for some reason is pleases me very much
“Excuse me, do you have the kind of tea that is flower buds? Where? Which one?...”
– a monster
overheard at Whole Foods
“I’m returning this produce. I don’t have a receipt. I don’t...”
– a monster
overheard at Whole Foods
Things I've said "[insert thing] are the worst!"...
PR people
teeth
“shepherd campfires AND a huge camel barbecue “for Bebe Geesus” ...”
– my father
“If you are 18 years old and you have been sitting in Political Science 101 for...”
– John Sides (via savingpaper)
Actually, if you are 12 years old and have paid attention in social studies the same is true.
“I remember sitting in her apartment not long ago watching TV, and [my mom, Nancy...”
– Alexandra Pelosi (via thepoliticalpartygirl / brooklynmutt) (via savingpaper)