December 2008
“Who decorated this place? A tornado?”
– Ice T
“No, Ma’am, a cookie is not a liquid.”
– airport security
“This ruins my mental image of you Ugly Betty-ing it up 40 hours a week.”
– Still with the Ugly Betty, Devil Wears Prada, Sex in the City references people? Come on.
“Cool beans. Now I’ll be a hipster. … What’s a hipster?”
– my mom
Now if you'll excuse me, I need some magic herbs...
I’ve come to realize that many of my friends see me as one of those crazy people who shun modern medicine just because I exercise common sense and have a very basic understanding of human biology. Next thing you know I’ll be burned at the stake for suggesting that your organs are not, in fact, animals with minds of their own as the ancient Egyptians believed. (Or are they???? Who’s a good...
“Don’t blog about me. Patient-physician privilege works both ways. So I can’t...”
– The hip doctor I went to see about my cooties
liposuctioned fat used for biofuel →
things you can learn from a good Law & Order:...
Sparkling sake exists.
Canadian sugar daddies exist.
Liza Minnelli exists.
“Were you just roboting to Joni Mitchell?”
– Natalie
(maybe…. yes.)
“Sparks will live on as an easy, slightly obscure jokey “mid-2000s”...”
“An L.A. bus. It’s not like a New York City bus at all — it smells, like, twice...”
– Wyatt Cenac of The Daily Show
Soulja Boy apologizes for his potty mouth →
hellonewworld:
This sounds like something The Trifler would post…
Oh Soulja Boy, you didn’t ask to be a role model! Besides, kids gotta learn about “super-manning that ho” somehow.
shoe-throwing is the new black
At an MTA public hearing about raising fares and cutting service to balance the budget, this happened:
One man, who identified himself as an Amtrak worker with the Bail Out the People campaign, spoke out against the budget plan, saying it should be “thrown into the garbage plan.” He asked, “Where is Elliot Sander? You made $300,000 last year!”
Saying “this shoe is for you,” the man bent over to...
He looks at the closet; I pull out my Beretta
My company Christmas party is canceled and I doubted we’d have an office party. But I learned we are having one. And it is going to be held, quite literally, in a closet. Classier than a conference room, more spacious than the elevator…
“It sucks. I used to be governor of New York.”
– Eliot Spitzer, when asked by FT’s John Gapper how he was enjoying his new career as a Slate columnist. (via thedailywhat) (via peterwknox) (via hellofriend)
Me: Also, it just started snowing.
Colin: Are you sure?
Me: They are big crazy flakes. Golf ball sized.
Colin: It’s like a meteorological miracle!
Me: Well, I may have exaggerated on the flake size.
Colin: I don’t believe that.
Me: The flakes are melon-sized.
Colin: That’s Amazing! I still believe that!
liveblogging the weather!!!!!
Somehow the first snow gets everyone every time. Like they’ve never seen snow before. Like magic exists. Like they don’t hate their lives. “It’s snowing!” My coworkers are flocking to the window like children. There’s still some un-jaded-ness in the world!
this. is. a. food. blog. dot com. →
making more comebacks than Britney Spears
Terry Gross: So when you were making Rawhide, did you have a good relationship with your horse?
Clint Eastwood: Well, I didn't date him or anything.
for funsies →
“Who am I? Osama bin Snow Globe?”
read the whole thing.
nicepants:
“If I had a choice, I wouldn’t marry,” she said, her eyes tearing, as they often do when she talks about what life will bring her next.
As she pulled a few more onions from a burlap sack, she said she daydreams of cooking like a chef she once saw on TV: “I dream I can buy the ingredients and know how to write down the recipes.”
She said she could copy words from a blackboard but is...
Flog?
nicepants:
effervescence:
Everybody knows not to go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. The same should be applied to making a grocery list. Otherwise you’ll end up, like me, with this monstrosity that spans 2 pages and 3 stores:
Soy Milk Garlic Powder Lettuce Celery Apples Broccoli Carrots Red Onion Parsley Mint Tahini Pine Nuts Tempeh Hummus Green Beans Marinara Sauce Sesame Oil...
“You are more likely to end up in jail if you become the governor of Illinois...”
– Jon Stewart
obsolete technology stole Christmas
It seems Vaughn Monroe’s “Frosty the Snowman” (the drunk version with oddly sexual backup singers) and George Beverly Shea’s “Go Tell It on the Mountain” are only available on vinyl and it’s killlllllllllling me! If anyone has any clues as to how I could possibly access these songs, he or she has a bottomless glass of Christmas cheer coming his or her way....
“You think you’re cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a...”
– Steve Mobs
“baby TK”
wait I just figured it out
Lily Vanderwoodsen-(Bass?)’s secret mental hospital baby is in fact…. Gossip Girl herself.
what. →
not recycling noooooooooo →
“Brittany and I talked about it yesterday and we think we need an imaginary...”
– Natalie
(and how is it that I’m always pegged as the wacky roommate?)
“Employed is the new rich.”
– coworker
all I want for Christmas is a dead fetus
Re: Planned Parenthood gift certificates
Christian conservatives are demonizing it, which is to be expected, but liberal media are mocking it, which annoys me. My immediate reaction upon hearing that Planned Parenthood Indiana was offering gift certificates was, “What a novel and good idea,” not “Weird!” Planned Parenthood is not a baby slaughtering, orgy-powered sin factory. It’s a public health...
“Congress, I think I know what this whole thing is about. You gave the financial...”
– Jon Stewart
“When did you become a racist, crazy, homeless santa?”
– Natalie
(I think, deep down, it’s who I’ve always been.)
“That’s like saying ‘bowls of fruit have been a focus of art since...”
you'll have to get over the massive letdown of me...
If that’s even possible.
(I’m too exhausted to watch it tonight… and that disappointment stacked on top of the disappointment in finally realizing that there will never, ever be an occasion where lamé leggings are appropriate is truly crippling.)